In honor of my recent unemployment and the fact that the economy is still in the toilet, I decided to post some helpful interpretations of job postings.
Position: Entry Level Drone
This generic position will require you to dynamically integrate functionality directives while implementing configurable paradigms on a regional scale. In other words, you must bullshit constantly. Every word that comes out of your mouth must be the best bullshit possible in order to stay on top of your game. You must be a self-starter who doesn’t have to wait for instructions from the higher ups to know that you need to bullshit and kiss ass literally 100% of the time.
Job Location: Near You
No fucking way are we close at all. Our HR department is close to your house, but our facilities are over an hour away. Enjoy the commute. Now that gas prices are skyrocketing you ought to just break even every month.
Position Summary: Assist the manager in all aspects of the day to day work. Strong work ethic and background recommended, your degree will be tested. Utilized on the job training from supervisors to advanced the company.
You will essentially be someones bitch until we can find a reason to fire you. Do you have a degree? Well that won’t be necessary, you won’t actually apply anything you learned. I hope your ethics are strong because they will be tested in our relentless pursuit of profit. You will question your existence on a daily basis as well as human kinds’ role in this universe.
Job Requirements: Computer Skills
You better be good at the computer because nobody else here is. You will probably be replacing our IT guy even though you have only basic computer knowledge. It will blow us away that you can type with two hands. We will come to you more often for computer help than actual work; this will include our home computer problems as well.
Please just not be a silent psycho that will make us go on the evening news saying “He was a quiet guy who was really good at computers.”
Sense of humor is a must!
You better be okay with racist and sexist jokes.
Salary: We have great benefits and a 401k
We don’t pay well. But we make up for it with stuff that appeals to a 20 something that has no use for health insurance or retirement this early in their career. What we pay won’t really justify the $60,000 you spent on college, but hey at least it’s better than living with your parents…right? Plus we will throw you a party on your birthday, but the secretary will choose the cake because she’s a selfish bitch who has to eat gluten free.
Minorities encouraged to apply!
White people will not be considered. We need to pad our stats a bit with some minorities, the black guy in the mail room isn’t cutting it with corporate.